*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
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TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.