The days of good grammer has went
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My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Always…
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Erm I’m gonna say no
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?