It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Simple enough.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Meow
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”