Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
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KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill