Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom