It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
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I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller