Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
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Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.