Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
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“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
the council will decide your fate
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.