My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
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[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Good advice.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged