Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.