*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
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Lucky old June.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Just say no
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”