My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
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God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist