My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
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Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Was it something I said?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”