My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
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My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
eggs benadryl
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
some things should go without saying
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh