Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
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one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better