‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
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Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine