what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
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A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I am also baked goods
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.