Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
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aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Me driving through Toronto
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that