a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.