Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Meow?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
When you kidnap a writer.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice