My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?