Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
You Might Also Like
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.