My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
They’re the worst 😩
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok