I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
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7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Lmao
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
A choir of Spring onions
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper