Mission: Impossible
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My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
#Caturday
Guy who likes music
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.