help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.