[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn