yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.