Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing