I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
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“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE