GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
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PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I have a new favorite meme page
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!