Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
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Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’m ready for Halloween this year
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Stop being racist to kettles.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.