The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
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I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Well, shit
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.