I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
also my go-to takeaway order
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.