Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
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I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.