my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
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Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Friends that check up on you >
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker