[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
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When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Twitter is an abusement park.
Just me?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Great acting.. 😂
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Important
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes