Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
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cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Tastes like chicken.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Wait a minute…
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.