[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
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Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My background check bounced.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.