Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Breaking news:
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.