Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
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The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*