wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
i dont have time for this
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon