Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
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*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway