We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I finally found a reason to live again.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
😅😅😅
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
No, YOUR illiterate.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Waiting for the Charmin
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”