Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
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“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.