Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t