me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
You Might Also Like
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!