I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
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In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.