[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
79.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Not today.. 😂
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal