doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
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*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I’m confused about plants
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller